A REVIEW OF PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (2005)

When I first heard that Keira Knightley was to take the role of
Elizabeth Bennet in a new version of Jane Austin's ever classic and
universally admirable book, "Pride and Prejudice," my heart sank in
dread. Keira Knightley garners no such affection by me that I should
think twice about any of her movies. Unfortunately, I am such a fan of
the book and also of A&E's excellent rendition of the literature that
I could only imagine a dreadful insult resulting from a new version
being made. Even so, as the movie was finally released, and my friends
began to watch it, I was alarmed at the near glowing reports of the
movie. Even some of those ardent Knightley critics of my acquaintance,
indeed, they gave the movie very positive reviews. To be sure,
astonishment was my only response.

I am, however, a somewhat reasonable person, and I was at least
passingly determined to watch the movie and see for myself what kind
of movie it was. With all the reports, I began to think that there was
hope after all, and that this movie would be a pleasant thing to
watch. I did not however, get to watching it until now. So, as I said
I would do, I am writing out a review of the movie to put at ease my
thoughts.

Let me first and foremost say that I did enjoy the movie, so much as
it is. There are very few things in life which I find I cannot really
enjoy if I try. I was very determined to like this movie, because I am
well aware of my prejudices. 

That being said, let me state up front that this is the most atrocious
butchery I have ever had the displeasure to encounter in third
generation literary movie making. I ask all my friends' forgiveness,
but I cannot and must not give any sort of approval of this dreadful
movie. On each and every account the movie missed the mark entirely.

Let me start with the technical aspects of the movie. The camera work
save only a few cuts was enough to make riding on a roller coaster
seem like an ideal place to cozy up and sleep. The music was cutesie
and lacked all form of weight and scarcely showed a decent bit of
applicability. The timing was horrendous. One could not have found a
worse combination of marketable timings and flow for the movie. Not
only was it a short cliff notes version of even the A&E selections, the
flow felt rather like jumping through hyper space without artificial
gravity; it hurt, a lot. The scenery was artificial and fake looking,
the costume and dresses were more like a circus than anything, and
the variety was non-existent. 

Still, I shall save the most glaring technical and logistical
nightmare for last. I have never seen a worse casting for a movie in
my entire life. Even the choice of Elves in Lord of the Rings, of
which I am no fan, was better than this. There never was a worse
choice for Elizabeth. The father was the laughing stock of the movie,
and the mother was almost sympathetic! Lydia caught no one's eye, and
Mary was perhaps one of the most agreeable ones of the bunch, instead
of being the philosophical social outcast. I have heard accounts of
the real beauty of the choice of Jane here, but I must admit, I was
appalled by the choice. I am not one to criticize the general
attractiveness of a lady, and Jane was attractive, to be
sure. However, for one to claim that she ought to have been the most
attractive one of the bunch there, is laughable. In fact, the real
shiner in that category was another example of bad casting: Lady
Catherin De Burg's daughter was more attractive than Jane, and much
more attractive than Knightley. 

And while we are on the subject of Knightley, let's get it mostly out
of our system. She stunk, royally. Not only did she feel stunted and
unauthentic, her lines were curt and useless, and felt like some
author want to write his/her own script, but still feel like they were
as eloquent as Jane Austin. They failed, miserably. I have never heard
such a bad script spoken of so highly. Whoever could have thought of
Knightley as an even hopeful choice was sorely mistaken and deluded. I
feel sorry for the poor fellow. Every time she smiled or grinned or
tried to make some kind of facial expression it hurt me; I was cut
like with a knife every time she attempted to add a third dimension to
her character. I was thoroughly disappointed.

The one saving grace of this movie was that the lettering used on the
correspondence of all the letters is nice looking; this however, is
also a falsity, since not everyone's handwriting would have looked
like that back then. It also felt artificial, but at least it was a
nice artificial at which to look.

And we are talking about a romance story, right? Hah! As if one could
feel romantic coming out of this movie. Mr. Darcy was too goofy
looking to be proud; no one could take a man like that
seriously. Bingley made a laughing stock of himself every time he
attempted to grace the screen with his monkey like smile. And speaking
of laughing stock, while they manage to capture the vixenish quality
of the sister Bingley, they utterly missed everything else. Repulsive,
that's all I have to say.

So...what am I to think? I guess I could try to find something else good
in the movie, but I can't. I have tried in vain to see the good
here. Nothing remotely important was done right in this movie. 

So let's recap: the timing ate monkey grass; it was the casting from
Waldo's world; the musical score came from a two-year old's scribbles;
the depth makes the second dimension seem like time travel; the
romance is about as romantic as kissing a farm hog; the story lies
butchered by the maid with the knife in the drawing room; and
Knightley's name is a fitting title to grace this movie which never
should have left the cutting room alive. It's roughly comparable to
the A&E version as a Wal-mart $5 Mickey Mouse watch is to a solid
white gold 100 year synchronized manual mechanism master craftsmen
timepiece. Jane Austin's book is about equal to God's sub-atomic
particle vibration timings in this scale of things, if you are
curious. No, I didn't think the movie was worth anything, and if any
of you want a real feel for how the movie should have been done, watch
the whole A&E series straight through when you have your minds active
and your hearts ready.